Sunday 3rd June 2012, Hays Paddock, Kew.
Central Park 0 - Old Xaverians College 3
"I do a good magic trick. I show a red card and players like you disappear" - anonymous.
Winter swept it's way into the 2012 season, and it's arrival wouldn't be forgotten in a hurry - not due to the chilly conditions, but more the extraordinary chain of events that were to take place on Sunday.
Central Park's last foray to 'the farm' that is Hays Paddock doesn't hold the fondest of memories. Last's year 6 nil drubbing rounded out by a broken ankle to the side's oldest player was quite a way to play out the final game of the season.
Making a win a bit more feasible was the fact Central Park had since been relegated, and a stronger side than last season would therefore face off Xavier's Division 3 sundries.
With several regulars unavailable, and a handful of ring-ins, Central Park assembled a side needing to be at their absolute best to produce the goods.
Instead, a lethargic looking red & black outfit lobbed up, and offered a performance that looked as shabby as the run-down demountable change rooms on offer.
An ominous sign came early when the referee - a most enigmatic character - offered some of his 'best' stand up work as part of a pre-game address that baffled all. Stitching one another up from the laughter, 22 puzzled footballers shuffled into position and got on with things.
The game wasn't more than 2 minutes old when it was assumed that Spike Milligan was back to his old tricks, awarding Xavier a penalty for reasons that were absolutely laughable. Cries of "are you watching the same game?" went unanswered as the first goal was seen. Tim maintaining his perfect record of having never saved a penalty.
Aggravated and clearly letting the penalty rankle them, Central Park took out their frustration on one and all, including each other, much to the satisfaction of Xavier who did as they pleased and played keepings off. It wasn't long before shots on goal became a regular occurrence with Rod and Nick two of the better performers in offering some resistance. A long range shot came in that would've been easily catch able for Tim, who instead executed his best Superman (see below) impersonation punching the ball into the lap of the oncoming Xavier striker to slot home. A third would be added at the famed 'Da Luca' (what a toss) end before the half-time whistle came.
The chatter, what little there was, at half time surrounded not the performance of Central Park, but more the unusual decision making behaviors of the man in black. He'd handed out more than a couple of yellow cards, which was the icing on the cake of a very ordinary Central Park performance.
If that was the icing on the cake, Steve Creswell would prove to be the ornamental candle on top. The second stanza was only 10 minutes old when Steve received a second yellow card, and marching orders for nothing more than a bad 'knock-knock' joke.
Not suffering fools gladly, our master of satire cum novice referee would then cap off a horrendous day for all concerned. Dissatisfied with Steve's choice of positioning on the sideline, he then held the game up for 5 or so minutes to argue with the physics of the situation. As we all stood around catching the sniffles, our geriatric officiator then really blew his stack and announced something to the effect of "right, that's it - i'm outta here, i've got homebrew to bottle". He then tucked his flags under his arms and marched past the booing and hissing from both benches, ignoring the desperate bunny-boiler like cries to a jilted lover, of "please - just give us one more chance!". A hard man emerged, who wouldn't hear of it, and was mentally already sifting through the yeast and hops in his shed to the sounds of Perry Como.
His logic: (more comic genius) "your player refused to vacate the 'arena' when i asked". Amazing.
Whilst the game was left incomplete, Xavier were awarded the points (most unfair given how close a contest it was) and neither side actually saw out a result, a wise man would be heard offering: "Both Central Park and the referee had a stinker, but the real loser was the game of football".
True that, and if Central Park want to salvage anything more than a dowel spoon this year, a rapid turn change in attitude is required. I'll get off my soapbox, and leave the spine tingler's for none other than Al Pacino.
Best (of a very bad lot): Nick
The Rest: Rod, Sammy, Colin
Worst: ? (hint: black with silver on top)
Central Park 0 - Old Xaverians College 3
"I do a good magic trick. I show a red card and players like you disappear" - anonymous.
Winter swept it's way into the 2012 season, and it's arrival wouldn't be forgotten in a hurry - not due to the chilly conditions, but more the extraordinary chain of events that were to take place on Sunday.
Central Park's last foray to 'the farm' that is Hays Paddock doesn't hold the fondest of memories. Last's year 6 nil drubbing rounded out by a broken ankle to the side's oldest player was quite a way to play out the final game of the season.
Making a win a bit more feasible was the fact Central Park had since been relegated, and a stronger side than last season would therefore face off Xavier's Division 3 sundries.
With several regulars unavailable, and a handful of ring-ins, Central Park assembled a side needing to be at their absolute best to produce the goods.
Instead, a lethargic looking red & black outfit lobbed up, and offered a performance that looked as shabby as the run-down demountable change rooms on offer.
An ominous sign came early when the referee - a most enigmatic character - offered some of his 'best' stand up work as part of a pre-game address that baffled all. Stitching one another up from the laughter, 22 puzzled footballers shuffled into position and got on with things.
The game wasn't more than 2 minutes old when it was assumed that Spike Milligan was back to his old tricks, awarding Xavier a penalty for reasons that were absolutely laughable. Cries of "are you watching the same game?" went unanswered as the first goal was seen. Tim maintaining his perfect record of having never saved a penalty.
Aggravated and clearly letting the penalty rankle them, Central Park took out their frustration on one and all, including each other, much to the satisfaction of Xavier who did as they pleased and played keepings off. It wasn't long before shots on goal became a regular occurrence with Rod and Nick two of the better performers in offering some resistance. A long range shot came in that would've been easily catch able for Tim, who instead executed his best Superman (see below) impersonation punching the ball into the lap of the oncoming Xavier striker to slot home. A third would be added at the famed 'Da Luca' (what a toss) end before the half-time whistle came.
The chatter, what little there was, at half time surrounded not the performance of Central Park, but more the unusual decision making behaviors of the man in black. He'd handed out more than a couple of yellow cards, which was the icing on the cake of a very ordinary Central Park performance.
If that was the icing on the cake, Steve Creswell would prove to be the ornamental candle on top. The second stanza was only 10 minutes old when Steve received a second yellow card, and marching orders for nothing more than a bad 'knock-knock' joke.
Not suffering fools gladly, our master of satire cum novice referee would then cap off a horrendous day for all concerned. Dissatisfied with Steve's choice of positioning on the sideline, he then held the game up for 5 or so minutes to argue with the physics of the situation. As we all stood around catching the sniffles, our geriatric officiator then really blew his stack and announced something to the effect of "right, that's it - i'm outta here, i've got homebrew to bottle". He then tucked his flags under his arms and marched past the booing and hissing from both benches, ignoring the desperate bunny-boiler like cries to a jilted lover, of "please - just give us one more chance!". A hard man emerged, who wouldn't hear of it, and was mentally already sifting through the yeast and hops in his shed to the sounds of Perry Como.
His logic: (more comic genius) "your player refused to vacate the 'arena' when i asked". Amazing.
Whilst the game was left incomplete, Xavier were awarded the points (most unfair given how close a contest it was) and neither side actually saw out a result, a wise man would be heard offering: "Both Central Park and the referee had a stinker, but the real loser was the game of football".
True that, and if Central Park want to salvage anything more than a dowel spoon this year, a rapid turn change in attitude is required. I'll get off my soapbox, and leave the spine tingler's for none other than Al Pacino.
Best (of a very bad lot): Nick
The Rest: Rod, Sammy, Colin
Worst: ? (hint: black with silver on top)
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