Match Report: Thirds Vs Old Melburnians

Sunday 22nd June 2013, Melbourne Grammar, Port Melbourne

Old Melburnians 3 - Central Park Rangers 5

OH YEAH BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(hit f*cking play already.....)

Sheesh! Gimme a sec to get the hard ones into the lungs.....

So, if you didn't work it out already, the lads are kinda excited to post their first win of the season AND remain unbeaten in 3 weeks! (i'm counting the Queens Birthday Holiday, cos i can....).

The allure of playing on a pool table had some of the older guys salivating, and the mums and dads of Melbourne Grammar's next crop of luminaries didn't disappoint, lashing out their hard earned on the most perfect of pitches set to Port Melbourne beach as a backdrop.

Million dollar pitch or not, playing in blustery seaside conditions under the Westgate Bridge is whiskers at the best of times. An early start would make cold conditions feel arctic, and when the thermostat froze over at just on 6 degrees come 10am, it was clear that the European elements would favor Central Park's own 'British Lions'.

By the time the mercury had found the motivation to climb to 10 degrees, the 'Lions' - Hendy, Colin, Ed and Tim N (hey, work with  me - mum's from Hammersmith "innit"?) were running amok as Central Park laid the platform for an explosive first half.

A youthful Old Melburnians were on the backfoot early, presumably with one eye already on the school holidays, Central Park only really being threatened on the counter attack from the zippy adolescents up the flanks. However Rangers were on high alert, and made the tactical switch as specialist wing-back Ian was poached from the left to negate the driver of a green P plated Merc (that means young, red means really f*cking young - so i'm told). And a sound performance Ian churned out too, blanketing Old Melburnian's best attacking player and winning plenty of possession of his own.

George was still smarting from going goalless and winless last week (and basically swearing at everyone like a lunatic pre-match: "f*cking score today or i'll f*cking cave your heads in right?!?!?!" ok, bit of an exaggeration.... but his enthusiasm was impressive). Jungle (George, you're stuck with that now - deal with it) went about his business, breaking more than the odd nail of Old Melburnians, and opened the scoring in the most unlikely of fashions. A low, swerving, dipping, hard and probably miskicked, corner swept past all and sundry, bouncing like a par 3 drive onto the green and untouched into the cup for the opener. 1 nil Rangers.

Playing from in front is something Ranger's aren't accustomed to, and clearly a responsibility the lads struggle to cope with. Forgetting how quick our opposition could be, a sweeping attacking movement - this time down the right, found another pacy (the red P plater in the Alfa) Old Melburnian, in a dubious position. Waved onside, Colin was unable to intercept a nice pass across the face of goal which was tapped in to an unguarded goal for Old Melburnian's first.

Corners were proving to the be the Achilles heal of a panicked Old Melburnians who fondled and fumbled them like teenagers at a deb ball after party. A seemingly innocuous corner hovered on in, which Old Melburnians avoided like the girl at the dance with cooties. George was nearly on a hat-trick before a clumsy defender (possibly their keeper) flicked it into his own goal, gifting Rangers back the lead.

Moments later, Gaz imposed himself on the game in true Gaz fashion - the unpredictable. Ranger's own Archie Thompson, loves a goal and i dare say being the centre of attention too. Hard as an Old Melburnian at a titty bar at schoolies, Gaz charged in for a physical contest, and even though he came off the better, was forced to come off altogether with a bloodied head thanks to an errant elbow. At 5'2 the cheeky git had the audacity to call it a head clash!

Mummified and sidelined, the incident spelt the end of Gaz' half, a tardy Bryan replacing him as Central Park went looking to regain their lead. With Stu offering great support play to Hendy up forward, Rangers peppered the Old Melburnian defence who nervously cleared corners and slick passes that continually found there mark in creating scoring opportunities. As Hendy again carved up his opponent, Old Melburnian's threw reinforcements at the Ranger's centre forward, who spied an unmarked Alex on the other side of goal. Cool, as you like Alex slotted his long overdue, and well deserved maiden Central Park goal.

"The mood was buoyant at halftime" - who else is sick of hearing this sh*t week after week? ME!

Clearly i wasn't the only one, as Central Park came out swinging in the second stanza, keen to finish off an Old Melburnians outfit who's confidence was on the ropes.

Like a wild gibbon, Ed continued his dominance in the centre of the park and in the air. Impossible to get past, and more often than not swatting defenders away, Old Melburnians struggled to contain his and Jungle George's influence. Again the spaces opened up, as a polished passing movement initiated from Rod at the back found it's way down field for Hendy to continue his purple patch and fire in a 4th.

Then BANG! No, not the sounds of Central Park knocking in another half a dozen as they probably should've, but instead a complacent Rangers side letting Old Melburnians back in the game. First Rowland, on a hat-trick of his own clumsily giving away a second penalty in as many weeks. Tim's frustration at having never been able to deny a penalty continued. 4 - 2

A barrage of chances were surfacing for Old Melburnians, close saves from Tim and heart in mouth goal line clearances from the self acclaimed 'aging' Colin proving critical. Fortunately for Rangers, Old Melburnian's were about as good at capitalising on corners as they were defending them. Rowland more than redeemed himself in playing the role of door bitch in strong arming a rambunctious Old Melburnian rooster who, when it came to the push'n'shove, at times resembled an emo on Ritalin.

With Rod doing his defensive best in mopping up some lax marking, Ranger's steely shape began to bend and lose it's way. Ian found himself outnumbered and suddenly P Plate Merc turned into Open Licenced Ferrari. In a near identical move from the Old Melburnian's first half goal, the home side were able to get leather on leather and steer a 4th in past a despairing Tim in goals.

The high times were put on ice, and Hendy dragged back to the trenches to shore up the defense. It seemed that Old Melburnians had done their dash though, and were barely sighted on goal for the remainder of the day.

Unbelievable isn't it - a physio and two surgeons from Central Park couldn't stop the bleeding, but yet Gaz found a way, returning to the pitch whilst doing his best Cameron Diaz impersonation.....

('There's Something About Gaz')

Hendy then thought "f*ck it, i'm a forward" and meandered back up front to finish off his old mob with a cracker in the top corner, as fellow Scot and 'buy of the season', Paul Nelson also watched on with the aid of crutches post knee surgery.

Central Park 5! - Old Melburnians 3

Nothing more to say but:

God Damm it feels good to win!

Best: Hendy

The Rest: Ian, Rod, George, Ed, Stu

Christy Brown: Gaz - c'mon man, you had jizz in your hair.....

Match Report: Masters Vs Banyule

Sunday 16th June 2013, Central Park Malvern

Central Park 7 - Banyule 2

Masters ensure Central Park red letter day.

Great omens for today starting with the Thirds earning a 3-3 draw and followed by the sun breaking through just as we started warm-ups

Simon rang the changes with a 5 man midfield and paid immediate dividends.

With Wayne bossing the middle and Dave and John rampaging down the flanks Banyule were immediately under the pump. After coming close twice we got the early goal. A great flick through by Ian set Lars up one on one and slotted past the keeper for the first goal.

With the momentum on our side Lars was relishing his deeper role and distributing wide. We were unlucky not to go two up after a lovely cross from Dave Neal was just turned wide.

More midfield magic from Wayne and Mark exposed the Banyule back four and another perfect through ball saw Lars tuck away his second.

Just when we looked like running amok Banyule's lightning fast striker broke through and pulled one back.

Soon after an injury to Big Dave caused a reshuffle - we wobbled a little but soon got our groove back.

Mark played a perfect through ball for Lars who scored his third only to be pulled up for a dubious offside. Batesy and John both went close before Batesy scored from the edge of the box only for the ref to deny it and give us a free kick instead.

Banyule looked good on the break but when they did get past Neil and Klotzy Kostas was playing a great role sweeping up at the back. 2-1 half time

The second half was end to end as Banyule pushed for the equaliser. It could have gone either way. A glorious ball from Klotzy across the width of the pitch found John on the right who's shot was bound for the top of the net until their keeper turned it wide. Kostas blocked two great chances for us at the other end.

Finally the fourth goal came with Lars breaking clear again and slipping the ball into the back of the net to complete his hat trick.

The Banyule heads dropped and we took full advantage with a great series of passes releasing Batesy who finished brilliantly for 4-1

Banyule regathered but Neil, Wayne and Klotzy repelled everything they threw at us. After a half chance was well saved by Kostas we broke through Ian and Dave and Batesy supplied the finishing touch for 5-1

Soon after, having created all day Dave switched to the right wing ghosted past two players and calmly beat the keeper at the near post.

To their credit Banyule ran all day and their speedster finally broke the shackles and got his second.

The piece de resistance came with ten to go. Ant swung in a great corner which glanced off the front post, Batesy reacted quickest and drove it home to complete his hat trick.

Banyule fought hard for the last ten but we were up to the challenge and won 7-2

Great performance and Simon maintains his unbeaten record. What a beautiful game.

Match Report: Thirds Vs Melbourne Uni

Sunday 16th June 2013, Central Park Malvern.

Central Park 3 - Melbourne Uni 3

Point made. Point taken!

Two disastrous results from the last two starts have Central Park staring down the barrel of a certain wooden spoon this season. It was timely then, that the Monarchists of this great land would gift Ranger's a Queens Birthday Holiday flavored week off, and the chance for some genuine soul searching.

The lads pre-game enthusiasm was impressive, the many hands on deck in setting the goals up resembling the crew of a Japanese whaling vessel untangling nets in readiness for a prized catch. Taking down title contender Melbourne Uni would indeed be a big fish for Central Park to bag, and in fishing parlance - like harpooning Jaws.

The FFA continue to throw up all the dices with their revolving door of 'characters' when it comes to match day referees. Today's man of the hour arrived promptly and didn't ask for the stock standard match ball and team sheet (which Rowland had pre-filled 7 weeks in advance! holy shitballs get a hobby or something dude!). The man in black instead rattled off the following list of  pre-match 'chores' to be completed:

- a new flag for the corner post (wrong colour?)
- all dog shit to be picked up.
- a stretcher to be placed 'strategically' (his word, not mine) on the half way line on the WESTERN side of the pitch.
- all pools of water to be swept across the grass.

Yet it seemed quite amazing that such an intricate and pedantic fellow didn't bat an eyelid at the obvious blue and white strip clash. Sunday football i tells ya.....

After the fight for the opportunity to scoop up the dog shit finally dissipated, we were good to go. The boys attitude seemed more positive and switched on, maybe it was a rare appearance made by the sun, that Rangers started the more brightly. Ed, with a viking like presence controlled the centre beautifully, and formed a steel like spine with battled hardened George in the middle of the park for forays north.

Against a team who most expected to do the bulk of the attacking, Rangers made their intentions clear early with an aggressive game plan that meant hard tackles were the standard, and a solid shape that allowed the likes of Alex P and George to make attacking inroads of their own up the flanks.

In Central Park's ambition to push forward, Melbourne Uni countered well, catching Ranger's off guard on several occasions. It was clear that this would be an end to end battle, and the defense, led by Rod would need to be on alert, as Tim in goals guarded the space between himself and the back four.

Ian tangled well with a feisty fleet of foot Melbourne Uni winger in an entertaining tussle, as the away side tried to wrestle their way into the Central Park red zone. This was a different Ranger's side though, and the support play and willingness to have one another's back was something that's been sorely lacking this season.

Unable to pass their way into goal, an impatient Melbourne Uni began firing off long range efforts - some barely reaching Tim in goals, others barely staying under 20ft in the air.

Then, like clockwork a goal kick targeting the melon of Alex P found it's mark who beautifully flicked it on towards Hendy and Gaz, the play eventually ending with a corner for Rangers. Rowland lumbered up in Richard Owen's absence to give the freshmen the jitters in and around the 6 yard box, as wave after wave of corners were flicked in by George. Melbourne Uni somehow survived the barrage of fire aimed their way, and gained some respite with calm passing out of defense of their own.

There's an old saying (i believe coined by a disgruntled Paul Gascoigne) that goes something like: "Steve McManaman, floats like a butterfly - shoots like one too". Steve could very easily have been playing for Melbourne Uni, in the form of their whippet like centre forward. Run he could, shoot, he could not. Proving it wasn't just the more lengthy efforts that were ineffective, a nice pass across goal left the Melbourne Uni talisman with the easiest of point blank finishes ever offered. Choosing not to drill the shit out of it, and needing only a bootlace to make the required connection, he instead placed his shot delicate enough for a scrambling Tim in goals to tumble into a timely save and get paw onto the ball as it began to creep across the line. It was quickly retrieved into the safe clutches of the Rangers no. 1 and be registered as miss of the day, quite possibly the year.

The contest rolled on at it's break-neck speed, Central Park this time were caught napping down the right. Rowland, have a solid game, put the muscle on the Melbourne Uni winger who wilted like steamed lettuce under the wrath of a bone crunching tackle worth conceding a penalty for. A Vialli-esque Melbourne Uni midfielder sent Tim in goals the wrong way from the spot for the opener.

Knowing full well this could game could easily have a ton of goals in it, Rangers pressed even harder for an equalizer, and continued to do the things that had been working so well. Our lonely sub, Brian came on to link up with little brother Ian, and things were suddenly reminiscent of the Denmark's own 80's duo the Laudrup brothers.

It was a game full of tactical surprises, but i don't think even Melbourne Uni anticipated the next piece of wizardry from Hendy. As a sweet lob hoofed into the direction of the Celtic man bounced up in a way we all know Hendy absolutely hates (i.e. a ball he has to chase down as opposed to one played at his feet). Nowhere to be seen was the Hendy tokenistic: control the ball - brush past an opponent or three - then lay a pass off to a support player to finish. Instead, Hendy spied an out of position goalkeeper and greedily lobbed a delightfully placed half volley over the top of the no. 1 from 40 out. The keeper watched on helplessly as Hendy's march toward another Golden Croc slowly bounced into an unguarded net. 1 all, just as it should be.

A frantic final 10 minutes of the first half played out, with a tiring Central Park hanging on as the shell shocked Melbourne Uni hunted back the lead. It must've been the 45th minute as the cruelest of defensive mix ups between Colin and Rod gifted the better of Melbourne Uni's strikers a free passage to goal. 2 - 1

Buoyant, the lads tucked into Jeremy's famous orange slithers and regrouped in readiness for battle to recommence. The mood felt as high as it has all season, the belief of a win genuine, and for the first time in a long time, seemingly all enjoying giving up their Sunday and looking forward to a second dig.

In a carbon copy of the first half, Central Park jumped out at a cracking pace and even higher level of intensity than the first half. Jeremy slotted in perfectly at right back and offered a fantastic attacking option from the back, linking up with Ed and the Lau-drup brothers.

The talk was good, great actually, Alex and George quickly building an unstoppable rapport. As a Masters watched on in support, they didn't have to wait long for the next moment of magic, as Alex broke free down the left hand side, tiptoeing along the bi-line before the most perfect of passes across the face of goal was iced by a charging Gaz to courageously slide in and finish magnificently on his backside. 2 all.

George was a man on a mission, playing inspired football as he ate endless amounts of dirt in his quest to win every contest. It was at times painful watching the poor bastard get hacked down, and clawing his way in front of opponents for a vital team possession - stirring stuff.

Hendy again (i think yet another George power play), this time found himself in the clear and running at goal. As the lads prepared to wander back to the kickoff in readiness to defend their lead, a desperate, clumsy and blatant check on Hendy robbed Central Park of a third. A penalty was given, and Hendy selflessly gave Jeremy the opportunity to get on the score sheet. After a jittery dress rehearsal of Jeremy accused of being a bit gung ho and putting into keepers guts, the referee asked Jeremy to have another go. In like Flynn! Central Park stole the lead.

Much like the way the first half ended, the Rangers boys were again running out of gas. In a rare occurrence (the first this season), Central Park were left trying to get their head around how to defend a lead. Melbourne Uni had replaced McManaman with a younger, small, faster, hard shooting - basically bloody good, forward and his fresh legs would stretch Central to their utmost. A switched on Rowland held him well, but his impact was still devastating. George, Alex and co continued with the 'take-no-prisoners' tackling, and free kicks began hemorrhaging Melbourne Uni's way. The defense held firm, Tim's hands in goal safe (this week anyway!) couple with a few critical touches to deny Melbourne Uni.

The away side pushed an extra man forward (at least it bloody felt like it!) and the Central Park fortress couldn't hang on. An unfortunate turnover at precisely the wrong time, presented two Melbourne Uni players with the chance to raffle it off, outnumbering Tim, the first of them put the equalizer away.
Melbourne Uni lifted, and as Rangers kept peppering the flanks in search of more goals themselves, the momentum had well and truly shifted Melbourne's way who now had a sniff of snatching the winner from a tiring Central Park. The lads fought to the end, literally, as the yellow cards began to get flashed around at the likes of George.

The highly fancied Melbourne boys would have to settle for a 3 all draw, a result seen as a victory of sorts for Central Park, who are finally on the scoreboard, and beginning to realise what they're capable of.

Best: Jungle George
The Rest: Alex P, Rod, Gaz, Hendy, Jeremy, Rowland


Christy Brown: Rowland - for, as they say "staying ahead of the curve" in the team sheet stakes.....

Match Report: Thirds Vs Boroondara

Sunday 2nd June 2013, (some grassy shit-pit of a sewer on Belmore Rd), Balwyn

Boroondara 4 - Central Park 1

Bottoms Up.

So it would seem that things couldn't get much bleaker for the boys in blue and white after the hiding at the hands of South Yarra the week prior. However, it wasn't until the end of this 90 minute debacle against cross town rival Boroondara, that the lads were really reaching the for the Beyond Blue bracelets in a cold sweat of frustration.

This fixture has seen some ugly football over the past couple of seasons, more as a result of the ineptitude of both sides. The scene was set once again for 'ugly', as epitomized by their last and second last ladder positions. Lately though it's been more about the spite than anything, and Central Park (in particular Rod) quickly learned that Boroondara have long memories.

Disaster struck even before kickoff, in a suburban Montmorency backyard - the most unlikely locales for events to unfold. Tim, in a mad rush as per usual made even madder, and unable to locate his goal keeping strip (well shorts anyway). Heavy overnight rain, an un-mown lawn, and a poorly behaved/trained pet beagle named Rubin, was all it took for chaos to be created. Mid-week daytime boredom had struck, and Rubin had impressively prized the drying shorts from the line, using them as his latest play-thing.

(Little bastard.....)

(I'll be honest at this point, and concede that churning this completely boring and irrelevant tale out is more about avoiding talking about the match itself)

Anywho, it was clear that the condition of the said shorts rendered them soaking, filthy and completely unwearable. But i wasn't done with yet. Taking an in-genius idea from a spotty youth i once witnessed on the Frankston line, who attempted to dry his socks between the doors of the moving carriage:

He failed, and so did i. Instead i just wore the blue f*cking shorts the rest of the guys had on.

Making matters worse, the game itself was completely shambolic, unless you're Mark Henderson who put in an absolute blinder and paid for it in true clumsy errant boot Sunday football fashion. Skipping past defenders and standing up all in front of him, Hendy was a one man show, somehow weaving past 4 and 5 opponents countless times.

Actually the first half was reasonable, with a scoreless opening 45 minutes, and several chances for both sides going to waste.  It was downhill from there, Boroondara piled the pressure on a Rangers side who played like a team on the bottom of the ladder.

With no Steve, Tim C and Richard Owen playing the apparent 'nurse-on-call' role (hang over), the odds were further stacked against us.

Boroondara would 'walk' their first two in, then a blatant hip'n'shoulder from Tim on a charging purple caped Eagle would earn them a penalty. Eagle's resident tosser *cough, i mean 'cockney', converted from the spot with relative ease. (He's also Rod's boyfriend apparently, evidenced by the first half gyrating/dry humping poor Rod endured - "fixtures between us are too long!" he'd later be quoted as saying).

Canonball Jones then provided a moments respite with a penalty of his own following yet another nuclear strike on hendy's shin.

With the game gone, a farcical mix up would see Tim produce a howler in spilling the easiest of through balls gifting a chance to some Boroondara long haired goon who snuffled it like some purple hungry-hungry hippo.

Over and out.

Best: Hendy
The Rest: Alex B, James
Christy Brown: we lost to a win less team resembling 11 hemorrhoids - everyone gets a gurnz