Match Report: Thirds Vs Old Scotch

Sunday 21st July 2013, HA Smith Reserve, Hawthorn.
Old Scotch 6 - Central Park 0

Google maps has Rangers dazed and confused even before kickoff

("arriving at destination")

- well, what a load of horse-sh*t that is..... Just ask big Richard Owen, who's cruisy, top down seaside commute turned into a mercy dash just to make kick-off on time. Or, the Loh Bros trek from Melbourne Airport that made the bloody Ring Road look like a Sunday night in the main drag of Adelaide. Worse still was Tim Nolan, who was in possession of both the team kit AND the all important oranges, as he sailed past the soundproof Freeway wall that stood between he and the pitch.

Google couldn't give a toss, and nor could Old Scotch who, aided by a heap of subs and better pre-match warm up, handed Central Park a nice old touch up.

The head chef at a more ritzy hotel once told me: "it's unacceptable to run out of ANYTHING in this caper, so we make 3 days worth of food every 2 days" - By golly i wish i'd adopted this mantra on Sunday morning when Paul Davies whored around his gifted footballing son Tom. With 14 confirmed starters my optimistic naivety saw us decline Tom's services - this executive decision turned into a complete tits down disaster, 3 late withdrawals left us with a 11 at best, meaning no subs (though Colin's mysterious absence was credited to the Google maps black hole). It also meant our pleading with the opposition to provide another linesman, which they generously did.

On a freezing cold day, Central Park actually started pretty well - Californian (though he looked exotically South American and played like one too) import Rueben an excellent inclusion on the right wing with some great probing runs and eye-boggling ball control.

Stepping off the red eye and drawing inspiration from the Man. United training session in Sydney, Ian found himself with plenty of the ball and in everything, regular attacking raids from the back keeping Old Scotch on guard.

Rangers actually came into the contest with a fair degree of hope, going down 1 nil in their first fixture against Scotch, and the belief of a win a definite presence.

However despite having a strong side including the return of Captain Cresswell from Ashes and golf couch-warming duty, the sheer weight of depth of the bench was always going to be tack in the arse. As the half deepened, the Ranger's defense held steady but it felt like only a matter of time that a Scotch breakthrough would come. Rowland and Petrakos were having solid games, but getting the ball and keeping it down the other end was proving difficult.

In what must've been the umpteenth time in about 10 minutes, Rangers managed to scramble the ball to safety. It wasn't until the last 5 or so minutes, that aided by the wind, and with a real sniff that Scotch were rewarded for their persistence for the opener.

Shots rang in from high and wide, unfortunately mostly from Scotch, who were getting excited now. Tim and co were using up plenty of juice in retrieving the errant footballs from the nearby quarry, and in turn taking their sweet time in resuming play in an attempt to drain the clock.

Well on top, Scotch helped themselves to another uncontested goal kick, pushed the ball wide and found themselves with a handy overlap. Slow as a wet fortnight, Rangers couldn't respond in time and Tim found himself diving after a long range thunderbolt that hit the top corner. 2 nil right on the stroke of halftime.

In a game of two halves, Rangers didn't show anywhere near as much gusto as they did in the first half. Minus the suspended Tim C and Jeremy, who failed a late fitness test, the lads simply didn't have enough in the tank without a bench.

On top of that, what we didn't need was injuries and running repairs to Rich (gout) and Tim in goals (golf ball on the kneecap) didn't help matters any as they struggled to see out the game. Ed, Alex B and Rod had dirty days too, struggling to get into the contest as even the portly Scotch midfielder with a disturbing camel toe had a better time of it!

The wheels then really fell off when Rowland called 'keeper' on Tim's behalf and forgot to remind Tim. That was embarrassing. However Rangers then went one better when Tim actually did call 'keeper' and didn't bother to follow through with the collect. 2 of the best.

It really didn't get much simpler than that, as Scotch weren't made to work as hard as they really should've by a team that seemingly put the cue in the rack at halftime. A couple more went in but i was too busy writing this.....

Best: Ian/Rueben
The Rest: Alex, Rich

Match Report: Masters Vs Bulleen Lions

Sunday 21st July 2013, Veneto Club, Little Italy.... ergh, i mean 'Bulleen'
Central Park 0 - Bulleen 11

Rangers wilt under the threat of 'cappings' and bedtime horse-heads....

Late changes to availability meant only 11 for the game with one "on the way". Stark contrast to Bulleen who had a 15 man squad.

With four of Wayne's mates filling in we had a surfeit in midfield - formation best described as fluid.

Despite an early goal we defended well for the first thirty minutes and if Rob had tucked away a good chance in the 20th minute we would have been all square.

But it was Bulleen's superior squad numbers that eventually told. As they brought on four fresh players we were overrun in the middle of the park and despite stellar resistance at the back led by Neil and John K with the gloves the floodgates eventually opened. 4-0 half time.

With players run ragged we dug deep and held on for the opening stanza of the second half.

As ever we chased a goal to get back in the game but were caught in waves on the counter - often outnumbered as Bulleen rotated their midfielders and were keen to join the goalfest.

The highlights were we stopped half a dozen goal bound shots the lowlights were the seven other quality strikes.

Lost 11-0

Match Report: Masters Vs Collingwood

Sunday July 14th 2013, Central Park Malvern
Central Park 0 - Collingwood 2


Peter Garrett's talk of old rockers reunion not enough to inspire Ranger's elder statesmen.


Bit of rain over the last few days meant we'd be attacking the boggy end of the Fortress in the first half and facing into a stiff breeze.

Multiple changes to the squad in the last 48 hours gave us a somewhat bespoke group for Simon to weave his magic with. Bit of careful thought and a 3-2-4-1was the answer from the Special One

Into the breeze a fair amount of defending but Mike and Wayne had their measure while Paul had the long range efforts well covered.

On the counter Robb was rampaging down the left with Lars and Batesy causing mayhem but their keeper showed some real quality to keep us out.

As we started to get on top disaster. Going nowhere Collingwood player goes down in the box and the ref points to the spot. No poster this time and 1-0

Rand and John linked well through the middle and despite putting his shoulder out Robb kept playing with no subs available.

Try as we may we couldn't draw level before half time.

Klotzy arrived to give Robb a break and added his usual bite and run. Mark started to create space in the middle. A great through ball put Lars through finally beating the keeper but not the post and then the keeper turned the follow up round the post.

The assault continued and Batesy hit the post too and the keeper saved from Wayne and Lars. Ricky had some golden touches which Messi would be proud of but Collingwood held on.

How we didn't score will befuddle historians for years to come. Against the run Collingwood got a second and that's the way it ended.

Thanks to Boz, Rand, Mike, Robb, Batesy and Paul without whom we wouldn't have managed to field a side.

Great football, good game, shocking result for us, the charm and drama of Masters football encapsulated.

Well played to all.

Match Report: Masters Vs Fitzroy

Sunday 23rd June 2013, McCutcheon Oval Fairfield

Fitzroy 8 - Central Park 3

Roy-boy's make men of Rangers

Tough getting a team this weekend but as ever the boys came through at the eleventh hour for what has been our toughest gig of late (previous meetings 8-0 and 10-1 and we played well in both)

Away from their normal ground for this one - believe they have finally faced reality and declared it a protected marshland. The alternate pitch which we eventually found was about 15 meters narrower than the norm but this did afford us the opportunity of trying a 3-6-1 formation.

(greener pastures: leaving muddy waters came at a cost, as the affectionately dubbed 'putting green' proved winger unfriendly)

Some welcome returns with Paul Karak donning the gloves, Rand returning to midfield and Kostas having a run in the middle.

Fair to say Fitzroy started well and Neil, Wayne and yours truly had plenty to do ably supported by fine glove work from Paul K.

Having repelled wave after wave Fitzroy were gifted an opening goal. Corner, melee, ball cleared off the line - Fitzroy linesman adamant it crossed. Interesting given I was between him and the ball. Simon (yes no ref in Masters tradition so Simon agreed to step in) had little choice but a sign of things to come - I noted the linesman was using a spare Fitzroy shirt as a flag but he might as well have been wearing it.

We regathered and started to link well through the middle. Mark snuffed out a lot of their creativity by doing a brilliant man marking job on their excellent number 10.

The game was very even but somehow, despite heroics in goal, we ended the half 3-0 down with a goal on the stroke of half time.

The second half saw Simon continue refereeing - think they figured if they reffed they wouldn't get any better calls :)

We really started to gel with Rand, John and Ian combining well through the middle and Ricky a constant danger on the right. With Mark having to go at half time with a calf twinge Kostas took up the man marking role and terrified their number 10.

Just rewards after 15 mins as, reminiscent of Wimbledon in their prime we went end to end in three passes the final one a beautiful through ball from Ian that put Lars through for a clinical finish.

Wimbledon in their prime....

With the game in the balance we threw everything at Fitzroy but ended up conceding a couple of sloppy goals before another through ball saw Lars awarded a penalty (more like it Simon) which Lars dispatched.

From then on it was end to end and late in the game Ant found some room down the right, played a perfect near post ball, cheeky back heel from Lars denied by the post but no panic Ian picked up the rebound, laid it back to Ant who then picked out John on the edge of the box who thundered home to cap a brilliant passage of play.

A late goal gave Fitzroy a flattering 8-3 scoreline especially after a stretched foot denied Chris what would have been 6-4.

Great team performance and once again Simon's cunning shows through as he retains his unbeaten coaching record - the score book attested he was the match official.

Onto Clifton Hill this weekend and having found our goalscoring touch and some midfield cohesion the signs are promising.

Match Report: Thirds Vs Monash Ui

Sunday 30th June 2013, Monash Uni Clayton

Monash Uni 2 - Central Park 0

As Gillard gets Shorten-ed, Rangers get schooled.

The timing of Central Park's return clash with Monash Uni was met with a glow of optimism by the Rangers lads. Surely, SURELY, Central Park's recent run of good form in facing a school holiday depleted Monash Uni would secure Rangers just their second win of the year.

Visits to this impressively manicured ground have produced mixed results over the years - largely owing to the cloak'n'dagger selection tactics that seem to be the go with scholastic sides. A tough way to produce a consistent side each week - but don't feel too sorry for them, this week's 'smattering' of bored and unemployed students formed a decent opponent.

Colin started with some uncharacteristic mongrel about about his game - spurred on by his angst levelled at Tim over having to do the oranges AND the team book all in one week.

Despite a couple of Central Park regulars missing, a win was very much attainable, Rangers started the better and things looked bright early.

The first foray behind enemy lines produced a Rangers corner. Unfortunately they were unable to get into a scoring position with Charters having an off day with the in-swingers. Clearly on a post honeymoon-hangover, Charters struggled to 'get it up' all day when it came to corners, however his performance couldn't be questioned when it came jinking runs, bouncing off defenders and 2nd and 3rd efforts.

Hendy did his usual bit in attracting several defenders, but much to the credit of the wispy Monash Uni right-back, Hendy was held well all day and regularly snuffed out when it came to the final touch.

With the sun proving hazardous, Central Park were caught out on several occasions - anything above shoulder height making life very bloody difficult for Rangers defense. But the lads held firm, Rod keeping order and playing the blustery conditions well in tandem with Ian, Rowland and Colin at the back.

Monash gradually crept into the game, some absolute brain fades from the Central Park lads giving the leg up and playing Monash back into the contest. This cranky and frustrated little number 1 lost count at how many times Rangers handed possession to a the opposition, who at times seemed to receive the freebies with an almost "really? what's the catch?" look of puzzlement on their fresh skinned faces.

It took more than a few go's at it, but eventually Monash were able to cash in some store credit. This week Ed would muscle in on Rowland's patch and be the one to iron out his opponent in the box. Resembling more of a surfy than a footballer, the Monash Uni live-wire centre forward converted from the spot.

Things then really took a nose-dive as gun midfielder Jungle George snapped his hamstring. A carpenter by day, he was left to be consoled by team medico Brian who wisely suggested: "you better get yourself an apprentice for the next couple of weeks son".

The opening 45 fizzled out to the hilarious and cowardly groans of a Monash Uni midfielder buckling over in agony from an errant kick to the agits - great stuff, and certainly one of the few things to have a laugh over - should i have enjoyed that enough to write about it?

(any excuse: I am just LOVING having discovered this video thingy.....)

As George, in frustration, ("i just wanna play f*cking footballllllllll!!!!) smashed up the dug-out at halftime, the boys reflected on what had been a truly woeful half, and the very real prospect of this match going down as a missed opportunity.

Colin in his moonboot bravely swaggered out for the second half, and yet another messy half played out as Rangers just couldn't get back into the game. Gaz and Hendy continued to pepper away at an impressive Monash Uni defense, which included, we're told, a professor/student parent who's visiting the 50's club this week! Many happy returns to you sir!

Alright enough of the syrup, we played sh*thouse and deserved to lose. Monash's one and only shot on goal in the second half was toe-poked past Tim for an ugly second and final goal. Frustrating stuff indeed, and a chance to get off the bottom of the ladder pissed up the wall.

The End.

Best: Ian
The Rest: Tim C, Ed, Jeremy

Match Report: Masters Vs Clifton Hill

Sunday 30th June 2013, Fairlea West Oval Clifton Hill

Clifton Hill 3 - Central Park 3

Rangers junk time heartache

Beautiful sunshine at what proved to be the wrong ground, race around the suburbs to find the right pitch, no club rooms and toilets locked. Masters football at its best.

With all the ground shenanigans we were struggling to get a starting eleven as Klotzy battled his GPS on the Chandler Highway and Wayne was seeing how the Renault would go cross country.

As luck would have it Club stalwart Mike Burnside gave Rand a lift and much to his surprise found himself booted and on the pitch for kick off.

Clifton Hill having had a warm up and time to work out where they were playing. Think we had a 4-6 formation but was hard to tell.

Spent the first stanza defending but gradually got into gear after some great last ditch efforts from Klotzy, Wayne and Neil. Lars and Mark both tested the keeper before a long bomb Vinnie Jones would have loved somehow got over the top and Clifton Hill opened the scoring.

Galvanised we then built - Mark bustling down the right while Rand and Lars started reconnecting to great effect.

The pressure told. A great ball found Rand on the edge of the six yard box. Trap, turn, shimmy, fake, goal - classic.

After that end to end stuff. Ricky repelling all challenges down the right while Klotzy's patience was severely tested as he was flattened after making a great clearing header.

Two hand balls in either box were waved away. Robust challenges were waved away - was like an Eighties English derby.

Looked like 1-1 at the break until another hopeful hoof up the middle saw Clifton Hill just elude Kostas as he couldn't quite get enough on it to stop them going 2-1 up at the break.

Second half, renewed vigor, an actual formation - Simon you would have been proud.

All CPR - courtesy of Ant who was playing man on man with their creative number 11 which left them bereft of ideas.

Having already hit the highlight reel Rand did it again. Won the ball, looked for a through ball, nothing on, looked at the new goalie and floated the ball into the top left from 25 yards, 2-2

With all the momentum the Hilliers started to get a bit punchy and picked up a couple of yellows. With pressure building Lars caught the centre back trying to be a bit cute, stole the ball, turned inside and slotted past the keeper, 3-2

With a bit of luck Neil, Lars, Mark and Ricky might all have grabbed another.

With the clock ticking away Clifton Hill threw everything forward. Ricky and me tagged their feisty right winger, Karl and Klotzy shut down the elusive George on the left while Rand and Neil mopped up the middle.

As we seemed to have cleared our lines yet again the ball ricocheted to their number 11 who hit through a crowd of players and somehow it ended up in the net 3-3

Both teams could have won it but a cracking game ended up a draw. Great effort by all, 13 goals in three games, solid at the back and really starting to knit together in midfield.

Simon still unbeaten.

Match Report: Thirds Vs Old Melburnians

Sunday 22nd June 2013, Melbourne Grammar, Port Melbourne

Old Melburnians 3 - Central Park Rangers 5

OH YEAH BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(hit f*cking play already.....)

Sheesh! Gimme a sec to get the hard ones into the lungs.....

So, if you didn't work it out already, the lads are kinda excited to post their first win of the season AND remain unbeaten in 3 weeks! (i'm counting the Queens Birthday Holiday, cos i can....).

The allure of playing on a pool table had some of the older guys salivating, and the mums and dads of Melbourne Grammar's next crop of luminaries didn't disappoint, lashing out their hard earned on the most perfect of pitches set to Port Melbourne beach as a backdrop.

Million dollar pitch or not, playing in blustery seaside conditions under the Westgate Bridge is whiskers at the best of times. An early start would make cold conditions feel arctic, and when the thermostat froze over at just on 6 degrees come 10am, it was clear that the European elements would favor Central Park's own 'British Lions'.

By the time the mercury had found the motivation to climb to 10 degrees, the 'Lions' - Hendy, Colin, Ed and Tim N (hey, work with  me - mum's from Hammersmith "innit"?) were running amok as Central Park laid the platform for an explosive first half.

A youthful Old Melburnians were on the backfoot early, presumably with one eye already on the school holidays, Central Park only really being threatened on the counter attack from the zippy adolescents up the flanks. However Rangers were on high alert, and made the tactical switch as specialist wing-back Ian was poached from the left to negate the driver of a green P plated Merc (that means young, red means really f*cking young - so i'm told). And a sound performance Ian churned out too, blanketing Old Melburnian's best attacking player and winning plenty of possession of his own.

George was still smarting from going goalless and winless last week (and basically swearing at everyone like a lunatic pre-match: "f*cking score today or i'll f*cking cave your heads in right?!?!?!" ok, bit of an exaggeration.... but his enthusiasm was impressive). Jungle (George, you're stuck with that now - deal with it) went about his business, breaking more than the odd nail of Old Melburnians, and opened the scoring in the most unlikely of fashions. A low, swerving, dipping, hard and probably miskicked, corner swept past all and sundry, bouncing like a par 3 drive onto the green and untouched into the cup for the opener. 1 nil Rangers.

Playing from in front is something Ranger's aren't accustomed to, and clearly a responsibility the lads struggle to cope with. Forgetting how quick our opposition could be, a sweeping attacking movement - this time down the right, found another pacy (the red P plater in the Alfa) Old Melburnian, in a dubious position. Waved onside, Colin was unable to intercept a nice pass across the face of goal which was tapped in to an unguarded goal for Old Melburnian's first.

Corners were proving to the be the Achilles heal of a panicked Old Melburnians who fondled and fumbled them like teenagers at a deb ball after party. A seemingly innocuous corner hovered on in, which Old Melburnians avoided like the girl at the dance with cooties. George was nearly on a hat-trick before a clumsy defender (possibly their keeper) flicked it into his own goal, gifting Rangers back the lead.

Moments later, Gaz imposed himself on the game in true Gaz fashion - the unpredictable. Ranger's own Archie Thompson, loves a goal and i dare say being the centre of attention too. Hard as an Old Melburnian at a titty bar at schoolies, Gaz charged in for a physical contest, and even though he came off the better, was forced to come off altogether with a bloodied head thanks to an errant elbow. At 5'2 the cheeky git had the audacity to call it a head clash!

Mummified and sidelined, the incident spelt the end of Gaz' half, a tardy Bryan replacing him as Central Park went looking to regain their lead. With Stu offering great support play to Hendy up forward, Rangers peppered the Old Melburnian defence who nervously cleared corners and slick passes that continually found there mark in creating scoring opportunities. As Hendy again carved up his opponent, Old Melburnian's threw reinforcements at the Ranger's centre forward, who spied an unmarked Alex on the other side of goal. Cool, as you like Alex slotted his long overdue, and well deserved maiden Central Park goal.

"The mood was buoyant at halftime" - who else is sick of hearing this sh*t week after week? ME!

Clearly i wasn't the only one, as Central Park came out swinging in the second stanza, keen to finish off an Old Melburnians outfit who's confidence was on the ropes.

Like a wild gibbon, Ed continued his dominance in the centre of the park and in the air. Impossible to get past, and more often than not swatting defenders away, Old Melburnians struggled to contain his and Jungle George's influence. Again the spaces opened up, as a polished passing movement initiated from Rod at the back found it's way down field for Hendy to continue his purple patch and fire in a 4th.

Then BANG! No, not the sounds of Central Park knocking in another half a dozen as they probably should've, but instead a complacent Rangers side letting Old Melburnians back in the game. First Rowland, on a hat-trick of his own clumsily giving away a second penalty in as many weeks. Tim's frustration at having never been able to deny a penalty continued. 4 - 2

A barrage of chances were surfacing for Old Melburnians, close saves from Tim and heart in mouth goal line clearances from the self acclaimed 'aging' Colin proving critical. Fortunately for Rangers, Old Melburnian's were about as good at capitalising on corners as they were defending them. Rowland more than redeemed himself in playing the role of door bitch in strong arming a rambunctious Old Melburnian rooster who, when it came to the push'n'shove, at times resembled an emo on Ritalin.

With Rod doing his defensive best in mopping up some lax marking, Ranger's steely shape began to bend and lose it's way. Ian found himself outnumbered and suddenly P Plate Merc turned into Open Licenced Ferrari. In a near identical move from the Old Melburnian's first half goal, the home side were able to get leather on leather and steer a 4th in past a despairing Tim in goals.

The high times were put on ice, and Hendy dragged back to the trenches to shore up the defense. It seemed that Old Melburnians had done their dash though, and were barely sighted on goal for the remainder of the day.

Unbelievable isn't it - a physio and two surgeons from Central Park couldn't stop the bleeding, but yet Gaz found a way, returning to the pitch whilst doing his best Cameron Diaz impersonation.....

('There's Something About Gaz')

Hendy then thought "f*ck it, i'm a forward" and meandered back up front to finish off his old mob with a cracker in the top corner, as fellow Scot and 'buy of the season', Paul Nelson also watched on with the aid of crutches post knee surgery.

Central Park 5! - Old Melburnians 3

Nothing more to say but:

God Damm it feels good to win!

Best: Hendy

The Rest: Ian, Rod, George, Ed, Stu

Christy Brown: Gaz - c'mon man, you had jizz in your hair.....